Thursday March 26

A day I will never forget, a day I would like to forget, but a day I need to remember.
If that can even make sense.

Thursday afternoon, we had just had lunch with Grams and Gramps at Grandpas feed store.

We had promised Port a tour of Uncle Ugly's new sheriffs office.

So we all loaded in the Tahoe for the short drive to the jail.

Threw Port in between Brent and I, and the girls piled in.

Madi was pretty darn grumpy and not being very nice to Cassi.

And Cassi not being very nice to Madi.

Madi got in trouble, and we were asking her to just be nice.

She said it's not fair that we always point out her flaws (classic teenager stuff right there!)

We explained that we are her parents, and it is our job to help mold her into the best person she could be.

Then there was silence.

What happened after that, it's all a blur.

A slow-motion blur.

Dad was starting to pull to the left side of the road, crossing into the other lane.

The Tahoe has always had a pull to it, but it had gotten noticeably worse on the drive up to Wyoming.

Well, Brent must have been looking over at me, and all he remembers is me yelling at him to get on the road and him just seeing a car coming right for us head on.

So he jerked to the side, going 65 mph. on the Highway.

Almost got control and felt a wobble, so he steered the other direction, again almost getting control.

More wobble, so another direction switch.

We were on blacktop to the side of the road during those swerves, and after the third swerve, he was sure he had control.

Then we hit dirt.

That is when it rolled.

It rolled and rolled and rolled.

It was just like in the movies, that slow motion washing machine kind of feeling.

I can vividly remember the clunk-clunk of the head over heels of the Tahoe.

And the screams.

Oh the screams.

Sheer terror.

And then the car stopped, right side up.

I watched my camera, which was around my neck, lunge forward and hit the dash.

For a split second I thought, awe dang....my camera is broken :(

Then like a horror movie, I look around at what happened.

I could see the bottom half of dad, his arms limp to the side of him.

The top half was covered by the top of the Tahoe, folded down between he and Porter.

He wasn't moving, he wasn't talking.

The kids were all screaming.

A scream I have never heard before, a screm I never want to hear again.

I needed to assess what was going on.

I had to get them out.

I was unharmed.....how could Brent be sitting there, not moving, and me be perfectly fine?

I turned to look behind me and I saw many little faces, and Elsie's glass-less face in a pure terror scream.

She was standing up, unbuckled, holding onto the headrest of our seat.

I saw Madi's legs up towards the ceiling and Cassi smashed against the back of my seat, with Madi's torso on top of her, with head down by Cassi's feet..

Porter was cuddled right up next to me, crying desperately to just go home.

I started yelling....telling them to stop screaming.

It was going to be okay.

We were going to be okay.

But I had to see if dad was okay.

That was when I started to hear a squeak of a sound come from him.

I bent my head down under the top of the car folded down.

I started searching for Grandmas phone, that we just stopped to grab, cause we don't have cell reception in Wyoming.

I looked at his face.

He was paralyzed.

He couldn't move.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't do the only thing he wanted to do.

Save his family.

He just kept trying to say 'Call Doug. Call Doug!'

I grabbed the phone, flagged down cars and ran back and pulled Elsie and Porter out and put them to the side of the car.

I helped Madi out, and Cassi over to the little ones.

That was when Madi said her back was hurting bad and Cassi's neck was hurting.

So we laid them both down.

The immediately held hands.

Those hands did not let go the rest of the time there, on the stretchers, in the ambulance and at the hospital.

It sounds like I am joking, but that was a tender mercy that I needed to see.

I knew they had each other.

I knew they would be okay.

While all this is happening, about a million cars had pulled off the freeway.

People everywhere to help.

Someone with each of the little ones.

And before you knew it, there was Doug.

Doug (Uncle Ugly) was at the courthouse and heard the call come in.

Something told him, I need to go to this call.

Can you imagine what he felt when he pulled up and saw that it was our car?

It was just what Brent needed to see.

He needed to know that Doug was there.

He needed to know his family would be taken care of.

And he knew that if Doug was there, everything would be okay.
He also knew that along with Doug, Jeremy was there.
Jeremy was there.
Jeremy, Brent's nephew that was more of a brother than anything else to him.
Jeremy, who died several years ago, way too young.
He was right there with Brent.

They loaded Madi and Cassi, onto the stretchers and into the ambulance, hand in hand.

They put Elsie, Porter and me in an ambulance together.

And I looked back and watched them as they pulled the top off the Tahoe and pulled Brent out.

Then they shut the doors on me.

This whole time I had so many people asking me if I was okay, if I was hurt anywhere.

I felt fine.

When I got in the ambulance I did start to feel a little pain in the back of my shoulder.

So they made me lay down and put a collar on me.

They put little collars on Elsie and Porter too.
Port had a tender spot by the side if his left eye.
I know it was from when Dad threw his arm across him to hold him back from the dashboard.
The dashboard he SHOULD have hit.
I told him that his Daddy saved his life.
I know he did.

Well, then they strapped me to a backboard.

They took the little ones in first, and when I got in there, Mindi was in the room with Elsie.

And there were others with Madi, Cassi and Porter in the other room.

We had family everywhere.

They all showed up.

I kept asking about Brent.

They told me what they could.

They told me they intabated him.

All the time I got asked questions after question about my kids birthdays, names, etc.

And I had to pee!

Man I needed to go!

They said as soon as I got cleared, I could go.

They finally took me back to gt scans done to make sure all was okay.

I passed the room Madi and Cassi were in and I could just turn my head enough to see those hands holding tight to one another.

During my scan they had to give me a dye.

The dye sends a warm sensation through your body.

A warm sensation.

AHHH!

It was so bad!

I was sure I peed my pants!!!!

But, I was all good.

As they took me out of the room they informed me that Brent was being life flighted.

They saw air in his abdomen in the images and some other stuff they didn't like and weren't equipt to deal with.

They kept me there in the hall so that I would be able to see him before they took him away.

As I was waiting, I was cleared, so they got me off the backer board.....I rushed to the bathroom.

Then I watched them prepare him to go in the helicopter.

I watched the lady pumping air into his lungs.

I watched them work on my husbands lifeless body.

They had to sedate him.

I was told that he was given the most amazing blessing.

Such a blessing to have his amazing brothers right there with him, and nephews, and whoever else was there.

I was also told that during the blessing he started to fight....so they had to sedate him more.

Classic Brent :)

I was able to go out with him to the helipad.

We watched as he was loaded and lifted off.

I couldn't believe they were taking him away from me.

I went back in to find my babies.

Elsie and Porter were already released.

So we all waited in Madi and Cassi's room.

The doc came in and talked to me about the girls.

No back injury, or neck injury.

I was so scared of that.

But they both had severe concussions.

So I was given instructions for them and we were all discharged.

The plan was to get the kids comfy and someone would take me to Brent at the UofU.

Madi and Cassi went to Aunt Cindy's house where they could comfortably sit in the dark for a while.

They also got to spend time with Heather and Lauren who came down to check on them.

Elsie wanted to stay with Grandma.

And Port wouldn't leave my side.

So Sandra drove he and I to the hospital.

We got to see him right away and this time he was conscious.

I can't explain how I felt.

I was so thankful he was alive.

But so scared to see him like that.

And I cannot do a thing for him.

After a while they got him up to his own room.

It was not a great experience those first few hours in the hospital.

They rescanned him and confirmed that he had broken t11 and t12.

But there was nothing in his abdomen.

It's like those scans from Evanston and the new ones were from different people (besides the broken back.)

No air in the abdomen.

None of the other things that they were concerned about.

What a blessing.

Literally......a blessing.

That blessing given to him in the Evanston Hospital.

So that was good news.

But they couldn't get in control of his pain.

We couldn't get a doctor to come and talk to us.

We couldn't get anyone to come and tell us a game-plan.

They kinda got him comfy and we made some plans for the night.

His sister Nancy, a nurse, would stay the night with him.

She would know better what they would talk to her about.

She would be there to fight for him.

But I had to get to my babies.

I needed to know they were okay.

They went through a significant trauma.

They needed their mom.

So I went home.

Sandra drove me home, and I kept playing through it all in my head.

Then I remembered back to when I looked back and saw many little faces with Elsie.

How was Elsie unbuckled????

How was Elsie unharmed.

And I thought about where everyone was.

And then those faces.

Who were those faces????

My Elsie bug was completely surrounded by little angels.

That baby girl of mine does not even have a bump, no sore muscles.

NOTHING!!!!

She told her sisters that she remembers slipping out of the seat belt.

She was directly behind Brent.

She would have felt much of the same force that he felt.

It is nothing short of a miracle.

She was protected.

I could envision little angels being her little bumper guards as she trashed around the car.

I can't describe in words how I feel about this.

If something would have happened to Elsie......

Oh man.

Devastation.

The blessing of no-one being seriously hurt, except dad, he can't be mad at himself.

He is mad at himself......

But he would be more mad if something would have happened to his family.

Oh I wish I could take this all away from him.

I wish I could be laying in that hospital bed so he doesn't have to feel this.

So....I'd like to say I got a good night's rest......

The girls slept downstairs and Port and I were upstairs at Cindy's house.

I took turns about every 15-20 minutes laying with the kids......

Upstairs and downstairs, throughout the night.

I just couldn't sleep and I had to make sure they were okay.

That they felt safe.

I do think I finally got about 2 hours of sleep :)

I couldn't sleep.

All I saw when I closed my eyes was the car turning over and over.

My babies screaming.

And seeing the love of my life, lifeless.

I kept replaying it in my head, the way it happened.

What could have happened.

What each of my kids must have felt and gone through.

But the worst part was when I would think about looking over at Brent's lifeless body, and try to go over to him, only to see him decapitated.

One more roll and I know that would have happened.

He had absolutely no protection over his head.

He would not be here.

I would rather never sleep again, than to see that playing through my mind.

Elsie woke up a couple times in the night, kind of startled awake.

Not sure if she was having dreams of the crash or not.

But she went back to sleep pretty easily.

Port slept the whole night.

I cuddled that baby boy as much as I could.

Held his little hand when if flew across my face, with a knee in my side :)

We all got up about 7 and Aunt Cindy made an awesome breakfast.

I tried to get the kids situated and tried to make pans for the day.

I knew I couldn't drive.

I was too tired.

And to tell you the truth.

I don't want to drive.

Anymore.

Not right now.

Anyway, I called Nancy to see how things went.

I guess it was just a horrible night.

Nancy said she was glad I wasn't there.

I didn't need to see him like that.

But I am glad Nancy was there, so he wasn't alone.

I finally got to the hospital about 12:30.

They had gotten a back brace on him around 10:00.

Finally.

You would think that would be the most important thing with a broekn back.

But instead he laid for 14+ hours, thrashing around because he was so uncomfortable.

The brace seemed to help with some of the pain level.

Dave stayed with me and Kay and Johnny came down.

They took him at about 2 to do some standing x-rays.

He came back in the most excruciating pain.

They made him stand and he said he just felt like every bone in his back was breaking right on top of each other.

It took a while to get him comfortable again after that.

But then he was able to get some sleep.

A little bit.

Later in the day Emmy came down again.

Around that time he was starting to really feel sick.

His tummy just didn't feel right.

The brace was really tight on him.

He is just not comfortable.

He just wants it to all stop.

It breaks my heart to see him like this.

To see him so helpless.

My big strong man.

He bounces between being angry and being sad.

He keeps saying 'I almost killed my whole family.'

He is in a rough spot right now.

And nothing anyone says can lift his spirits.

It just seems unfair.

Why him again?

Why his back AGAIN????

Why!

Rachel and Alberto showed up to visit too.

It was good to see them.

Brent was sleeping, so they didn't get to talk to him.

But they saw him and they brought up s fruit basket and brought sweet cards that Abi made for us.

The original plan was for Dave to stay with Brent, and Kay and Johnny would drive me to meet up with someone to take me back to Evanston.

But I couldn't leave him.

Instead, I called the kids to make sure they would be okay.

They have been rockstars.

They have been so awesome.

Port was the one I was worried about.

But he knew I needed to stay with Dad, and he was okay with that.

I guess they got some $25 gift cards from the sheriffs office.

They they took a trip to walmart where he bought some star wars legos.

He's been wanting to get (more) star wars legos for a very long time :)

So that was fun for them.

Elsie bug spent the night with Sandra.

I'm not sure yet how that went :)

But I talked to Madi and she said that everyone else slept good over at Cindy's.

I hate being so far away from them.

Either I am far from them or far from Brent.

I can't win.

Luckily we have so many family and loved ones close by to help out where I can't be.

I am thinking maybe today someone can bring the kiddos down to see dad.

Maybe I will send them home with Emmy for tonight.....

I know they have been wanting to see the Utah cousins too.

But I also feel bad shuffling them all around.

It is truly a blessing to be smashed right between the Matthews families and the Peterson families.

They know they are loved wherever they are.

And I know they are well taken care of wherever they are.

So I stayed the night with Dad.

It started out rough.

He felt really uncomfortable....the brace was so tight on his tummy.

Finally about 3, they loosed it up a little bit and he was able to get a few hours of good sleep.

I got to get some sleep too.

I will say it right now.....

Brent is not a very good patient.

And I hate that I can't do anything to make him feel any better.

I can't even get him to crack a smile.

The doc just came in and told us that PT and OT are coming in this morning.

That is a pretty scary thing.

He does not want to try and stand again.

I don't know what we are gonna do.

We have got to get him feeling better so we can start figuring out how to get him home.

How are we gonna get him home??????

How are we gonna do this AGAIN??????