Monday October 8

Today was a Cassi day.

It started out not so good.

Mornings are hard.

We have a good chunk of time between when Madi leaves and when Elsie and Cassi have to leave for school.

Plenty of time to get things ready....you would think.

Mornings are a time that Cassi gets in trouble a lot.

I don:t like this.

I want to change this.

But when you ask a kid to put her folder in her backpack 5 times, and it is still not done when you need to leave for school...it is frustrating.

I make Cassi start looking for her shoes about 30-45 min before we need to leave for school, and somehow we are always scrambling to find shoes when we leave.

I don't know why it is so hard in the morning.

I tell her all the time that as soon as she is all ready, she gets to do ANYTHING she wants to before we have to leave.

But I guess that isn't enough motivation.

I am not mean to her in the morning, but I know she can sense my frustration.

And as I said before, Cassi is a sensitive soul.

We finally got going in the car this morning and I was talking to her about how we could make our mornings more efficient....and I was being nice about it.

She understands and she gets it.

Cassi has two reactions.

Very mean or she shuts down.

IN the car she was kinda quiet.

I hate sending her to school when we have mornings like that.

But we were running late and just had to get going.

I took Elsie to Miss Jodi, then sent Cassi off to get in line.

As I am going back to the car, Cassi comes running back to me in a full meltdown.

She didn't want to go to school.

On and on, no way of reasoning with her at all.

I told her I had to go, Porter was in the car and I couldn't leave him there alone for long (don't worry, it was right on the curb).

She kept hanging on me and had the most panicked cry.

It was kinda scary.

It was weird.

I got down close to her and held her and told her it would be okay and hugged her tight.

She would calm down, and start toward class, and then she would turn around and run to me again, back in full meltdown mode.

She switched back and forth many times.

I walked/pulled her to her class with me.

I told her I would come check on her when I helped in Elsie's class today.

She said she would just come home for a little bit then she could go back to school.

I told her that it just wasn't an option today.

Then I said I have to get back out with Porter (don't worry, her class door leads right to the curb that the car was on....I know, I am going for mother of the year here.)

I said I would go get him and be back in to check on her.

She calmed down, went and put her stuff away and sat down.

I went and got Porter.....thought about leaving then.

But then I didn't want to break the trust she had in me, so I went back.

I peeked int he doorway, and as soon as she saw me, she sped walked to me and broke down again.

I couldn't believe it.

She was just fine.

We stood in the hall and listened to announcements....and tried to reason some more.

You know what it finally took?

A promise I would buy her a book out of the book order, and check on her when I went to Elsie's class.

And that was it, she was fine.

It is hard to explain how it all went down.

She had a real fear of me leaving her.

I remember when she was starting kindergarten, she started having major sleeping issues.

We took her to the Dr and she said Cassi was having a form of separation anxiety.

She really thought that I would not come back once she went to sleep.

It seems irrational at her age now, but maybe that is what is going on....mixed with the feelings that she thinks I am mad at her for how the morning went.

Told ya...Mother of the year.

She is a crazy mixture of being confident, adventurous, and out-going along with being insecure, afraid and lonely.

I don't want this amazing little girl to feel she is less than she is.

She is so amazing and has so much to give.

Everyone loves her.

Friends flock to her at school, yet I think she feels alone sometimes.

I just wish I knew how to better deal with her and what she needs.

She is a special girl.

With a tender heart.

And I know I forget that sometimes when there is craziness going on all around.

Man.

Just wish I could be better for her.

But how far do I go?

Do I put her folder and backpack together for her and have her clothes and shoes set out for her?

I also want her to be responsible for her own stuff.

But I guess her feeling loved and needed is better then being responsible.

*****

She is working on a new song with her guitar.

It's called 'Beautiful Maybe' by Marlee Scott.

She is doing really good and I love when it clicks for her and she wants to play over and over.

I love to watch her play the guitar.

 

*****

Cassi did some typing on my typewriter today.

I thought it was very clever a cute.

Just like her.

It is her own little newspaper.

Loved her use of the word 'gumption'.

 

*****

I also ran across this while cleaning up today.

For activity days they made these little books for conference.

I just loved her take on Neil L Anderson's talk.

 

 

I just worry about her.

I want her to be a happy go lucky girl.
I just told her tonight that she has a bigger heart than most of us.
That she feels more than most of us...higher highs and lower lows.
I also told her that makes for a good songwriter :)